two more fucking things...

my rabbit jumped on my keyboard... after a lot of trying, i have been able to fix it. of course, i am VERY STRESSED OUT.

my sister confirmed she threw away the paper. this was a pad of paper i took to the hospital for daddy to try to write on. i didn't tell her this, but she probably wouldn't have believed me. she said all sorts of stuff like, "i guess i don't have any integrity because i threw away the paper." and "i'll try not to throw away any more paper!" when she was leaving.

this was after i was yelled at for about an hour straight because all roads always lead back to how i'm not doing things to suit anyone else and, if i would, i'd be able to "have a life". (this has been said to me from junior high school onward, and i will say, in between then and now, i have done a lot of different things... a lot of the time, they weren't paying attention when i told them what i was doing... since the paparazzi wasn't following me around, they assumed i was pathetic.)

but it's not the paper. well, it is the paper. but it's just why would someone come into another person's house and throw away something that wasn't trash? they're whole thing is IT'S OUR HOUSE, TOO!!!!!!!!! but, i actually live here and i have stuff i personally bought and i am currently using in this house. for someone to just decide, "oh i'll just throw that out." is INSANE. any time i disagree about anything.. be it something of daddy's they want to ditch or whatever else, the it's our house too gets yelled at me. (sigh) i fear even if i buy it that won't go away.

i am so stressed out. a thing a day has broken. i've heard IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO a million times even though no one gives a shit about it until it's time to burst in and ransack the place. but, i have to be so grateful.

i had one xanax left and i just took it. i'm sorry. i am in so much pain. i coughed for a really long time at the bank and then i got emotionally beaten down. then there's the fear that anything and everything could be in the trash. anything and everything they could decide they want. i just hate this so much. i hate it.

i got a huge lecture that if my brother ever does anything (hahahaa!!!!!) it has to be all ready for him to get to work "because he's a man." well, if he can't check the antifreeze on a car which was sitting in the driveway, i don't know what could be faster and easier than that, honestly. someone has to want to do something first.

right now, he's following some band around and that's all he cares about. the great thing about this is he got some flack from my sisters who felt that he was forcing himself on the band or something. they also called him a "groupie" pretending they didn't know the word for "roadie." he told me this was why he tried to avoid them growing up. that was pretty funny.

i just can't bring myself to hurt people like i have been hurt. i should get out my old "persuasion" textbook from my days of studying all things, but i can't bring myself to.. also, it's hard to do anything when no one pays any attention.

i'm sorry there's still no one to talk to and it's late. this is such a difficult time.... i even had to put my bunny back in my home because he was being just a little too crazy and i couldn't take it. (sigh)