Friday, August 27, 2010

well, i missed it

i didn't see the degrassi finale because i was dealing from the after effects of stress from a visit from my brother. yes, that's my family. they can cause mayhem that easily. partly, because they don't really deal with me as a person. i am a problem my parents inflicted upon them.

everything about me has to be analyzed and judged in the most critical possible way. i can't just have personality traits different than them, but then they are baby boomers. that makes them right in their opinions and their opinions are the only ones that count. and their opinion is they do not want to deal with me. they want someone else to take care of me. unfortunately, someone else died. (btw, when i say "take care of me" i don't necessarily mean that literally... just deal with me in whatever way is needed which might be just talking to me now and then.)

anyway, i am pretty upset and this wasn't even a bad visit by my family's standards. they don't feel welcome here (trust, this is b.s., that would NOT stop them). well, every time they come here they yell and lecture and judge and criticize. why the fuck would i want them here. and they tell me over and over IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO!!!! like i don't know that. like that's not rude as fuck to barge into someone's house and scream at them because they put something in the kitchen closet that maybe could also be put in the bathroom closet.

now, because i don't want to throw away everything i own (because everything i own is stupid or crappy or what have you) then i'm a HOARDER. i fucking goddamned hate tlc and all asshole reality shows that have given my siblings more shit to bitch at me about. (btw, no, my house does not look like the hoarders' houses. but one sister is a neat freak and the others have relatives who clean their houses. so, they don't need to see that much clutter.)

my brother was piously talking about when he was young and owned no more than he could wear or carry. yeah, p.s. that was four fucking decades ago. and not even true. i guess he forgets i lived in my parents' house then (he didn't) and i know he still had stuff in his room. i doubt he thinks i can remember back that far because they know i have memory loss for part of my childhood. or they should know. but, it's later... and it's not as severe as it used to be.

they get together and decide how i am and that is how i am, no matter what i do or say or have done. and i know i act worse around them because i tend to respond too much to things i shouldn't. sometimes i do all right, but they know how to push my buttons. which i hate that and it makes me very upset with myself. i guess the memory loss hasn't helped me because for a long time, i did have to take their word for some things. now that i'm getting it back... it's not that they told me the wrong thing just they told me whatever was easiest at the moment to get their point across.

anyway, i think i have some kind of panic disorder or some shit since i like to have passed out after my brother superiored off to be awesome somewhere. i didn't really have any anti-anxiety medicine (which i probably should have such a thing, honestly). so, long story short... i missed my show because i was asleep. i woke up briefly to find that moron sav dressed as elvis and that didn't keep me awake.

here is a fucking photo of the last moments of the show:
all i know is no one died, but eli apparently pissed himself. i guess i can live without seeing that.

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