well, i missed it

i didn't see the degrassi finale because i was dealing from the after effects of stress from a visit from my brother. yes, that's my family. they can cause mayhem that easily. partly, because they don't really deal with me as a person. i am a problem my parents inflicted upon them.

everything about me has to be analyzed and judged in the most critical possible way. i can't just have personality traits different than them, but then they are baby boomers. that makes them right in their opinions and their opinions are the only ones that count. and their opinion is they do not want to deal with me. they want someone else to take care of me. unfortunately, someone else died. (btw, when i say "take care of me" i don't necessarily mean that literally... just deal with me in whatever way is needed which might be just talking to me now and then.)

anyway, i am pretty upset and this wasn't even a bad visit by my family's standards. they don't feel welcome here (trust, this is b.s., that would NOT stop them). well, every time they come here they yell and lecture and judge and criticize. why the fuck would i want them here. and they tell me over and over IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO!!!! like i don't know that. like that's not rude as fuck to barge into someone's house and scream at them because they put something in the kitchen closet that maybe could also be put in the bathroom closet.

now, because i don't want to throw away everything i own (because everything i own is stupid or crappy or what have you) then i'm a HOARDER. i fucking goddamned hate tlc and all asshole reality shows that have given my siblings more shit to bitch at me about. (btw, no, my house does not look like the hoarders' houses. but one sister is a neat freak and the others have relatives who clean their houses. so, they don't need to see that much clutter.)

my brother was piously talking about when he was young and owned no more than he could wear or carry. yeah, p.s. that was four fucking decades ago. and not even true. i guess he forgets i lived in my parents' house then (he didn't) and i know he still had stuff in his room. i doubt he thinks i can remember back that far because they know i have memory loss for part of my childhood. or they should know. but, it's later... and it's not as severe as it used to be.

they get together and decide how i am and that is how i am, no matter what i do or say or have done. and i know i act worse around them because i tend to respond too much to things i shouldn't. sometimes i do all right, but they know how to push my buttons. which i hate that and it makes me very upset with myself. i guess the memory loss hasn't helped me because for a long time, i did have to take their word for some things. now that i'm getting it back... it's not that they told me the wrong thing just they told me whatever was easiest at the moment to get their point across.

anyway, i think i have some kind of panic disorder or some shit since i like to have passed out after my brother superiored off to be awesome somewhere. i didn't really have any anti-anxiety medicine (which i probably should have such a thing, honestly). so, long story short... i missed my show because i was asleep. i woke up briefly to find that moron sav dressed as elvis and that didn't keep me awake.

here is a fucking photo of the last moments of the show:

all i know is no one died, but eli apparently pissed himself. i guess i can live without seeing that.

my television has passed away...

i tried to watch tv today to soothe my nerves and i found that was impossible.

more family crap today. i got beaten down pretty badly. i am so sick of people talking at me. it's just so depressing. i feel so stupid. i think my one sister is lying to me... it makes me feel really bad. i have been told my father didn't want me to have the house because "in six months it wouldn't be worth anything." well, it's been six months.... and it has not yet fallen to the ground. i asked my sister to stop saying that and said he told me something else (he wanted me to have the house). why would she keep saying that to me?

i keep getting told "you had more opportunity than anyone" and that basically, i fucked up. well, i graduated from college. so, there was that. i have worked in jobs in my field that paid decently, but they were.. well, extremely stressful. except for going to college, i don't know what else i've had... i am sure they could give me a list of the ways i've fucked up and generally been a rotten as hell excuse for a human being. but, then they "love" me "dearly." i suppose that's why no one ever calls me or comes to see me without bitching me out the entire time they're here.

i hope my parents aren't seeing this mess....

real life right now, frustration and grief and a sore throat

we are trying to close on the estate. i am sick as heck.

as if that wasn't stressful and awful enough, every one of my siblings were here today. my brother strolled in dragging a slice of pizza around like it was totally fine to eat it in the living room not on a plate on anything else. like he couldn't have done that in his fucking car or while he was hanging out with his buddies for seven hours.

all this time, i was in the house with my sisters who any second my back was turned would throw away, prowl through, or move something. i had some BLANK PAPER sitting on the bookcase in the hall. i told them both i wanted to keep it. well, it's GONE NOW. then, they both were wearing these stupid gloves and my one sister HAD TO TOUCH everything in the house. even stuff that was clean she had to take it out and put those nasty ass dirty gloves all over it.

then, she INSISTED on taking my mother's polaroid camera down and opening it up and then dropping it on the floor. i told her not to do it. she thought there might be film in it. that damn camera has sat in the closet since 1975, i doubt there's any fucking film in there. and there wasn't. instead of holding it over the bed, she had on those gloves and was holding it between her knees they thought it was hilarious that she dropped it. if i'd dropped it, i would have owed them money right on the fucking spot. and yes, of course, she brokei it.

then i do have stuff around here because i fucking live here. every damn thing had to be inspected. "that's mine, put it back. that's mine, put it back. ARGH!" but, she still insisted on opening it and reading it. there were random people between us so i couldn't snatch it away. TRUST ME, i would be in so much trouble if i did that shit.

but the paper, a little tablet of paper sitting on the bookcase bugs me. why in the world would they throw that away after i told them both i wanted to keep it? i know my stupid brother didn't take it. but, why would anyone throw something like that away? it wasn't dirty or anything. it wasn't old. it was just sitting there. but, they want to get rid of everything. they insisted on being on opposite ends of the house and i had to run back and forth between them. so, there's no telling what else of mine is gone. and they wonder why stuff like this makes me a nervous wreck.

they come in immediately telling me to move stuff. and i am like "well, it goes here." and my sister is all "this will be like pulling teeth." who cares where i keep stuff? who fucking cares? i just do not get it. in this case, we were talking about one little bitty key.

but, my one sister when she starts filling up trash bags, she wants to take everything in the house (that she doesn't want for herself or her son or her son's wife) and throw it out. so far, her son has gotten a car, a picture of my father's military unit, and probably will get a picture of MY GREAT GRANDPARENTS because "they like antiques." well, so do i. but, many of the antiques from here have disappeared.

i have tried to write some non-personal articles, but i am so stressed out over this garbage that i can't stand it. it is so tiresome. any little thing that i want has to be a huge ass debate. even if I BOUGHT IT we have to come around to should i even keep it or "free myself" from having so many possessions. and yes, it was "two against one!" a few times. well, isn't it fucking ALWAYS two against one?

they think because i tend to be disorganized that i don't know what i have or where anything is or that anything goes. well, that's not true. but none of them really know that. still, when i go to a house someone with a fever tried to vacuum that same day (or any house really) i don't go in barging around pitching a fit about getting rid of everything and dragging every dusty thing i can find all over the place.

i also don't stroll around eating a pizza. my sister would literally kill anyone who brought pizza into her living room. i don't care if you had the largest plate known to mankind underneath it. but, it was fine that my brother did that. then, she asked him to take something outside for me and he got smarty pants and i wound up doing it. he started bitching, but i reminded him that I didn't ask him to do it. because i basically don't ask him to do ANYTHING.

and they've been talking together about me and everything else like they do (and they wonder why i tell them i feel left out and unequal). they planned all this, especially my no-show brother. he has become interested in some local band of all damned things in the world.

but, they never come up here just to visit or anything. it's always an agenda of some sort. i try to be nice and i am pititfully glad that if my family pays any attention to me since they are the only family i have. but they all have kids and stuff, so they are somewhat better i guess. there might be some families that can make the whole thing work where they have three much older kids and one younger kid.. but we can't. maybe because mama died... i don't know... my father was kind of in denial about the reality of the situation.

my brother made some remarks about his lawnmower today (i don't have one, daddy sold the one we had) and i thought for a brief instant that he was going to mow the yard. then, i realized i was delirious and that was NOT GOING to be happening. he claimed daddy "didn't like" how he did it and that's why he didn't mow the yard for daddy. well, i think daddy "didn't like" the fact that the yard only one get mowed about once per year if it was up to my brother and, in reality, it has to be mowed about once a week.

my brother's son came up here one day, daddy said and made several trips to town (which i do not doubt and i now know why that'd be) while he was here. i don't know if he even got the yard mowed. my father was not a patient man. if you were supposed to be mowing the yard, you'd best be doing it and not wandering around in town meeting up with this one and that one. anyway, i think my brother wants me to HIRE him to mow the yard. hahaaahaha. i hope it does not come to that.

my father's will is basically one paragraph long. it's better than nothing, but he told my sister he thought we could "share and share alike." well, the problem with that is everyone has to want to be fair. hope springs eternal, but i am an absolute nervous wreck. sorry to bitch so much... i just have to tell someone.. i don't know what to do and i may have to go through more of the same tomorrow.

on top of everything, the TOILET stopped up today. so, it was the PERFECT DAY to have four extra people here. AARGH!! my sister called when i was leaving to get a plunger and she wanted me to try some nonsense with hot water. i told her that i was just going to get the plunger (this took 20 minutes to go through over and over). although, she wound up having the unclog it because i couldn't. then my other sister re-clogged it. that toilet has really, really had a workout today.

and i have to add here that the problem with these stupid gloves people want to wear, they pick up every nasty thing in the world. but their hands feel clean and they just keep obsessively touching stuff. it drove me crazy. i feel like every single thing in the house has to be crammed into the washing machine now. and i REALLY feel up to that.

i think things got out of hand when i had to come in here and sit down. my one sister had a diabetic fit, but i fed her. so, they went from having to go eat to staying FOREVER longer. i think they were waiting for my brother who they wanted to just make sure got his precious stuff. my sister insisted i give him half the sheets we own for some unknown reason. i am sure they will get thrown in the trash. well, after she handled the crap out of them with those nasty ass gloves beause, the gloves cost like 30 cents a pair, so you wouldn't want to change! they had a huge box of them... i mean, you could literally see the dirty on the gloves because they were just finding the nastiest stuff to get into.

and it turns out there is black mold in the semi-finished spare room. people should never build stuff onto their houses if their spouse dies. my father built that stupid carport in because he and mama had talked about it. mind you, my father was able to do the work himself so this should have been a cost efficient project.

but, it has been one thing after another with that room. some stupid fool my friend invited to the only party i ever got to have threw buttered popcorn (and it was A LOT of popcorn) all over the room (when i had to leave for a minute). he was such a fucking asshole. i didn't even know him.

then there were the termites. then this and that and the other thing and now... black mold. more work and money (proportionally to the usefulness of the room) has gone into that stupid thing. it was actually finished at one time, but it's had to be torn out and redone a few times... all it's really any good for at this point is giving the dryer a place to live.

i actually have a list of problems with the house (that was why i wanted the paper i was bitching about two hours ago). haha

i doubt anyone will actually read this. but, if you did. thank you... you're the best. :)

what really happened to mackenzie?

I just watched the car smashing episode of "celebrity rehab". they've been mispromoting it as usual to make it look as if joey (from the real world, I haven't watched that it years so I don't really know him... but dennis rodman did) just started smashing up someone's car. it's at a junkyard.
they got their choice of smashing implements, then there were the best looking two cars at the junkyard (supposedly, these cars looked pretty good to me... is there such thing as a rich people's junkyard?), a couple of monitors, and a couple of tvs (these last items looked legitimately old, as 70-80s tvs). plus various smashing implements from sledge hammers to dishes.

so, some doctor outlines the exercise which is basically smash the hell out of stuff, yelling if possible about whatever you're mad about. mackenzie practically leapt out of her seat to go first.

at this point, mackenzie is bound by her publisher not to say anything about the revelations that are in her (then unreleased) book. so, pre-smashing she manages to politely say she's angry at "a family member who passed away" because she was "exposed to adult experiences" as a child.

then she gives the well-known example of being injected with cocaine as a teen by her dad. this caused cocaine addict joey to visibly flinch. so, I guess it's new info to some people or maybe it's just different sitting a few feet from her when she says it.

so, mackenzie starts off her smashing by yelling about "bastards who hurt children" then later smashes a tv. the doctor asks, "who is it?" mackenzie pauses to say, "my dad" before yelling at "why couldn't you say you were sorry?" oh, mackenzie.

in the course of all of this mackenzie says something that is almost word for word what cisco wheeler said in a (rare) interview with a radio station in canada. it gave me chills... because cisco wheeler is... wow, where to start?

cisco coauthored two books with fritz springmeier. he is a conspiracy writer (who does really excellent research and is a good writer) about her experiences with things most people don't know about. these books were self published and are now freely available online.

cisco was born in 1946. she is a descendent of ulysess s. grant and her grandfather was a general as well. her father was a pentcostal minister, but he did not believe anything he preached. this position he deliberately attained as part of a plan. his family had the wealth and connections to have made something else available to him had that been in their best interest. also, he did another job involving behavior modification. his life had been planned, so was cisco's.

from birth, she and her father lived in a room within their house. despite being born prematurely, she had little contact with her mother. her father cared for her and spent all of his time with her (remember, he did not really need money).

one of her first traumas was to be separated from her father, but that wasn't THE trauma. THE trauma was that he raped her. she was severely injured physically, but that isn't as bad as what happened to her mind. again, this was by design.

cisco lived the next 40 years in a mix of trauma, torture and odd gentleness. she had little contact with people outside her family and possibly no contact with people not approved by them. she did not even know how to go to the grocery store.

she woke up in the morning and was told what to do. when she was done, she went back to bed. she was past the age of 40 before she realized her true age. she believed she was 17. she believed this so strongly, she saw her 17 y.o. self in the mirror. some of this was probably due to the fact she was learning to do her father's job (not the pentcostal one).

then, her father died. this is when cisco realized something was very, very wrong. she wanted to die, too. not from normal grief, but because it had been heavily ingrained within her since he wasn't just her father. he was her master.

cisco's family practiced rituals and abuse was part of it. some of the abuse was to compel silence. even though cisco have written about what they did to HER, I don't know if she's really told all their secrets. she wrote because she wasn't the only victim and she wanted to help others.

the torture she endured is known as sra (satanic* ritual abuse). *it doesn't have to be satanic... most practitioners wouldn't use this term. it's specific and planned and fucks people up a lot. some of the abusers believe they are "helping" the people they abuse by "training" them. this predates mkultra by a lot.

but one person who was involved in both was dr. green. there are at least three doctor greens (that cisco knows of, her info only goes to about 1980). but she met THE dr. green and he played the daisy game with her.

so, I am really hoping it's just a coincidence what mackenzie said. if it's not, she needs to have someone look at cisco's books for her because they have advice for recovery (it's not something victims of this specific thing should read themselves) from SPECIFICALLY that sort of thing.

also, until she had done significant recovery cisco felt sorry for children who hadn't been raped by their fathers. she was convinced that he did it because he loved her. she even cried (something she rarely did) for the poor, unloved children. so, before this, she would have said her incestous relationship with her father was "consensual." fortunately, cisco is now able to see how wrong this is... it's really so sad. but, her father wouldn't have apologized either because he had the same fucked up thinking as she did.

another thing that worries me about mackenzie is she really broke down after her father died. I am not sure if it was as bad as what cisco went through... hopefully not.

now, I KNOW what it is to lose a parent, but it doesn't make you want to literally climb into the coffin with them. it really doesn't if you have a normal relationship. it's very sad, but it's not like that.

simon monjack sues warner for (indirectly) killing brittany

brittany murphy's grieving husband has come to the conclusion that warner firing brittany from happy feet 2 killed her.

he says they based their decisions on rumors and this really hurt brittany which stressed her out which caused her heart condition to kill her.

the official report on what killed brittany has not been released. so, the timing seems a bit strange. surely, he's not going to take this all the way to court? (this could have contributed to her death, but can it be proven?)

simon also says the prescription medication (that was in the house, not in brittany) all belonged to him. a lot of people speculate she o.d.'d, but people always think that.

we'll know soon enough whether brittany had any drugs in her bloodstream. since she wasn't able to digest the food she ate the night before, I am not sure if she would've been able to digest pills either. so, it kind of looks like she didn't overdose.

although, she ought to have taken some medicine for her medical conditions including an infection that had given her laringitis.

this is sad... I think he's just really upset. a lot of weird things have been said and that must be so hard on her family.

i hate the telephone

for two nights in a row, my sister has called and upset me a lot. WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?

we cannot have a normal conversation. or it starts off normal and then she starts bitching me out.

NONE of my siblings give a shit about the fact i'm living in daddy's house ALONE and they're with their families. at least LEAVE ME ALONE.

the christmas bunny

my cute boy got some christmas vegetables! so cute!

I did some more visting today. this has been a really difficult day without daddy. I miss him a lot.

but, my bunny is cute and he cheers me up. what a sweetie!

I hope everyone had a good day.

love,
shampoo

ham...

we had christmas early... or half of us did due to other people's obligations. we had two people permanently missing. but there were four kids who got A LOT of presents, so that was fun. I got two presents. so that was nice. someone made me some homemade candy... that's pretty neat.

I had to get a copy of daddy's death certificate before I left. that wasn't too fun. but I got some nice hugs.

I went and paid the gas bill and came home and collapsed. I barely did anything, but it was so tiring.

merry christmas. love, shampoo

non-holiday holiday activities

i know not everyone has done this, but i have spent some christmases by myself. maybe something work-related was going on or i was sick or whatever else. i suppose my family could've come to see me, but they didn't. so i spent the day by myself. sometimes when spending a holiday alone and sick in a small apartment, you kind of want to do something non-traditional to take your mind off the fact that it is a big holiday. so, here's a few things i used to do...

1. eat something you really like that is not associated with the holiday... even if you have to go to your grocer's freezer to get it, find something you consider a big of a treat. one year, i had ravoili with lobster. it's much simpler than trying to fix a holiday meal and it's unlikely to bring up nostalga.

2. watch non-holiday television... whether it's anime or horror movies, there's a alot out there that isn't very holiday oriented. choose something that is not really much like what your family would choose if everyone was to attempt to agree upon a movie.

3. make your call home early in the day... don't wait until right before bed to make your call to your family. that just gives you something to think over when you're trying to sleep. do it early in the day when they're busy and excited and when you have plenty of time to get yourself back into a good mood.

4. allow yourself treats, but realize they can be non-holiday specific... when you scoop up your holiday meal at the store, pick up some treats. if you really like something holiday-oriented, then by all means get that. but don't be afraid to get something utterly un-christmas-y. obviously, i'm not talking about eating your weight in candy, but something reasonable. maybe some popcorn to enjoy while you watch your movies, some fresh fruit, or something for dessert. plan and then you don't have to worry about calories when it comes time to eat. for people who are tempted to over eat, this also helps prevent that. remember, you are ONE person. buy accordingly.

5. get yourself a present. it doesn't have to be expensive. just something frivolous that you think will be fun. i tend to like books and magazines. but, make up can also be a fun treat since 12-26 will probably find me at work.. new makeup can be a lot of fun to vary things up.

6. look at the religious side of things. if you are a christian, christmas is an important holiday. you can read your bible. if you haven't brushed up on the nativity story in a while, this can be pretty interesting. if you're not a christian, i suppose you could remember it's primarily a religious holiday, so it's really no big deal if you miss it. hehe

7. don't drink, etc. if you're really and truly sad, don't try to cover over your sorrows by drinking or overeating or anything else. be proactive and keep your mind occupied. go online and talk to people you may know on various newsgroups, etc. read funny blogs. call people you know... there will be someone who's bored of what they have going on and is happy to take a break and talk for a while. if they can't, don't take it personally. a lot of people don't have control over their own time at the holidays due to family obligations.

8. learn from this experience... once you've gone through a christmas by yourself, it's a skill you have. it's not so bad or scary any more. people may say things to try to make you feel bad about this, but they're being assholes. plenty of situations can occur that puts you in this position and anyone who'd rub this is your face probably would be crying like a baby if they were in the same situation. it's just a fact that this is a time of the year that no matter how many friends you have, you may wind up alone if they REALLY have to go hang out with their families.

9. don't feel obligated to explain what you did to people you don't know... since my christmases alone usually found me at work early on the 26th, i'd just tell everyone i had a nice christmas. i didn't tell them i was by myself unless i really was friends with that person. i didn't lie either. when they ask you if you had a nice christmas say "yes". then divert the topic back to what they did.

10. don't punish yourself... some people (in my family) have tried to suggest doing work to take my mind off of christmas. like waxing the floor kind of work. unless this is something you actually enjoy, don't do it. even if you're by yourself, you still deserve a fun and relaxing holiday.

all in all, i have to say that the christmases i spent alone weren't the best christmases, but they also weren't the worst christmases. they were o.k. the first time was really strange, but after that it got easier. i've really only done it a handful of times. but it's better than doing something just for the sake of doing it. if you try it and really cannot stand it, then i'd advise always trying to celebrate with people somehow.. such as having christmas early or late.

i won't be spending christmas alone this year, but i will be in the house alone for the first time in a really, really long time. so, that has made me think of some of the ways i used to get through the days when my work always made me pointlessly come in at 8 a.m. on 12/26 (seriously, there was no real reason for this). sometimes i'd try driving home to get in what holiday time i could, but this wasn't always possible. may i had to work late on the 24th or maybe the weather would be bad or maybe i'd be sick.. whatever the case, i think it made me a stronger person to do it (although i certainly wouldn't do it for only that reason). i really miss daddy and i will miss going through the day with him as i have for the past several years.

i hope you have a great holiday. merry christmas. love, shampoo.

merry christmas...

world peace?

now is the time we all ask what we want for christmas or for our new year's wish or whatever it is we do this time of the year. of course, we all know we ought to wish for something for the good of all mankind (humankind, earthkind). but, we usually want something. who can help it?

except, i don't this year. i can't really think of anything i REALLY want. i miss daddy and that's mostly what i can think about. otherwise, i don't know.

i'm sure i will like anything i get, but my siblings aren't likely to get me much anyway, so it's just as well to not get my hopes up in that regard. generally, i get cut out of all of the christmas pictures except the one where we'd all pose with daddy. they kind of had to leave me in there. my father could remember how many kids he had, after all. the reason for this, i guess, is they have kids and i don't. i just have me. and i suppose they figure they've looked at me long enough.

i have already gotten some presents and they were all really nice. i got some nifty new p.j.s that i am currently wearing. they came with a matching blanket, too. how neat is that?

and i got a whole bunch of neat magazines, dvds, and books. so that is super neat and exciting. i'm sure these things will really keep me company this long, cold winter. i haven't spent too much time with these so far, which causes my boyfriend concern. but i am enjoying visiting with everyone. most of the stuff i got were things that you have to fully concentrate upon to enjoy, so i'll look at these more closely when i get home.

most importantly, my bunny boy has a new water bottle!!! oh, he love it so much. he drinks and drinks and drinks. then he licks his sculpture (salt lick), then he drinks some more. he's so adorable. he's also been taking a bath for the last fifteen minutes, so i see some more enjoyment of his water bottle in his future. the bunnies, they are cute.

last car payment!

I made my last car payment yesterday. it was just a partial payment, so it was actually the smallest payment i've ever made.

before daddy had his stroke, I had my car almost paid off... I am glad he was able to know that because he was really worried about my finances.

my family kind of thinks I have the financial skills of a particularly frivolous two-year-old. this isn't true, but I have been in bad situations financially before. and then other things happened that made things look worse.

once, when I was out of town, my father kept getting calls that made him think my car was like five payments behind. actually, that was totally wrong, but he found a very misleading bill (and tore off the part that showed that i'd made three recent payments) and showed that to my sister. she called and chewed me out before it occurred to her that, duh, most of what they sent was missing (i have no idea why my father tore off what he did... I don't think he realized he threw out the most important part) so who could tell anything. but my sister had him convinced he could lose his house. yeah, our house is worth $3000 (eyeroll) which is what my car payoff was at that time. oh, and p.s. ONLY my name was on the loan and my name wasn't on his house, so... worse case scenario: they'd take the CAR.

also, I was getting some telemarketer calls mixed in... I didn't owe those people a cent, but it added to the confusion. it kind of pissed me off about my car loan people because there was no reason for them to harrass him like that.

then there was some credit card telemarketing going on and, as I told him over and over, it wasn't even saying anyone owed them money. it was trying to get us to apply for their card. but since I didn't even have a credit card, it was pretty impossible for me to owe them money.

I got something that looked like a credit card in the mail once (i don't remember if it was just an ad or something else) and he solemnly gave it to me saying, "please be careful with this." that scared me for a moment until I actually looked at it and saw it was nothing.

but, long story short, my car title should be getting here soon and i'm glad my father knew how close I was to paying it off...

I am going to have some more bills coming my way now, but that's life.

negative me

my sister was here yesterday and things were much better.

my brother was around thanksgiving and the day after and got all pissy and told me "there's a lot of negative noise coming off of you."

no one else was at all upset about anything I was saying. I was talking about buying a cd (investment vehicle). and I wanted other people's opinions.

not half listening this pissed him off and he decided I was ungrateful and stomped out. he couldn't even stay for dinner which was about 30 seconds from being served.

the day before that, I got lectured on praying my pain away and if i'd just believe in the LORD all would be perfect. this is basically saying to me my parents weren't good enough to live or I didn't pray for them hard enough and I am not wanting to hear that.

be a little grateful. break my heart.

life sucks

my sister and brother were here today. I have two sisters and one brother. I am way younger than them. we aren't even of the same generation. they are baby boomers and I AM NOT.

my sisters cannot fucking enter a house I live in or see me without fucking insulting me. I am so sick of it. I have bit my tongue all these years because of so many reasons. they don't even fucking have a clue. they don't get how much I have tried to be nice. all I fucking want is for my own goddam family not to hate me and insult me and yell at me and make me feel like if I would just kill my loser ass self thee whole goddam world would be better.

they say they love me, but then they do this shit. I try so hard to be nice and it blows up in my face and then it gets to be my fault and it's all hedgehog dilemma because I do get bitchy and defensive.

to be fair, sometimes they do nice things but never, never, never can it just be that. never can I feel like I deserve anyone to give a fucking shit about me. it's always got some guilt attached.

we had to go through some of daddy's stuff. so as if that wasn't fucking bad enough.

then my sister is all "call (other sister) and tell her how mean I am and it will all be o.k." now they talk to each other EVERY FUCKING DAY and I know for a fact I am a huge subject of discussion. I talk to them about every two weeks. I am getting chewed out about half the timen but yes, they run back and forth and tattle even when I BARELY say anything.

I fucking hate this. I hate it.

I had a dream after I was finally left in peace where my sister was being a total bitch and I was trying to find something she would like and I was breaking things and crying trying to do this (this is a dream not real life). then she called me crazy and I don't remember except I started crying that I wanted to die and daddy was tell me "no! you can't do that" (i guess I was going to kill myself in the dream, I don't remember having anything that could do that, but it's a dream, so who knows).

then my other sister made us all go to the fucking bank without the key to the safety deposit box. no one would fucking listen to me that we needed it and my other sister took both keys (the bank wouldn't let me into it if I had 12 keys anyway). OF COURSE, the teller told them the same thing.

oh, but that was o.k. "now we know." if I had done that it would have been because I am crazy and because I "can't do the simplest things" and "can't manage money." doesn't every damn body know you need a fucking key to get into what daddy always called "the lock box."

there was a fucking thing about mortgages there and I joked about buying a house "with confidence." and I got a lecture like I really was going to suddenly out of goddam nowhere buy a fucking house. I mean wth? my sister was barging around the bank and my brother said "patience is a virtue" so I said "you can buy a home with confidence" (and pointed at the sign). wth? it's just a fucking joke. one of the goddam sample house payments is $1000/month. I KNOW I don't have that. years ago, when I had a good job, I considered buying a condo (i lived in a city then) and I couldn't even really afford that THEN. I haven't seriously considered buying property since. unless they mean THIS house which, yeah, it'd be great to own it, I guess. and, in theory, I only have to buy 3/4ths on it because I am part owner... but...

I don't feel like it's mine. I haven't since I was a little bitty girl and lived here with just mama and daddy. but I didn't know any better back then.

the other day, my sister (not the one who was here today) wanted to throw away a PIECE OF PAPER and I didn't want her to (it was something of daddy's) and she actually yelled at me "it's MY HOUSE TOO!!" wth? wth? it's not 12 goddam pink flamingos on the year it's a PIECE OF PAPER!!! AND I AM THE ONLY ONE LIVING HERE AND SEEING IT.

then she went thru the desk and threw out "junk mail" (her bitchy ass opinion) one item was the current schwan's book so I don't know wth else went out the door on her whim. it's long gone now.

I have finally hid one item that belonged to me that she picked up and pawed through every time she came here. I had put one thing in my father's room and my sister said "gross, what's THAT?" it was just some lip balm. but I said that because, for some reason, they think i've moved a million things into daddy's room. why would I do that? i'm not retarded. I know we have to go through everything.

she seemed to sort of randomly getting rid of stuff, so who knows what else is gone. it's too late now.

she grabbed some socks and was bitching they were "all balled up" well, they didn't used to be, but every time someone comes here they claw through daddy's stuff and I got sick of fixing it afterward. especially after daddy died. some of the socks were old and worn, but there were also new ones mixed in. they were all just either navy or black because duh, they belong to a man.

anyway, I guess if you have kids unless all you have is stuff easily divisible (like money) or you just have one kid.... don't do the whole "divide everything between my children" will. it stinks because there's only one way to divide somethings.

and we get along to a degree because it's not like my father was extrmely rich, so... but I think they found out from the insurance company that it's cheaper to insure and occupied house than an empty one, so for now I have a place to live. maybe for longer. I really don't know. daddy wanted me to be able to live here as long as I needed to, but... it's not like he's here to yell at all of us to behave ourselves.

sorry about this... but I haven't given any family members my url and they don't know I am shampoo.

alas

I am so missing my kickass satellite package daddy had us signed up on... even though MOST of the time he controlled the remote and he had a fondness for news, old-fashioned gospel music, westerns of all eras, and "hanna montana."

well, if they still made sitcoms, maybe he wouldn't have started watching the disney channel. and that is 100 percent my fault.

my nephew and niece-in-law arrived and they have three little girls. well, daddy was watching the news and it was discussing something that involved many people dying (this war we're in probably). so, panicked, I turned it on "hanna montana."

and, I have to say, if a person doesn't like reality shows or game shows... well, there is at least a story to it. also, his hearing wasn't that great any more so miley's singing didn't bother him. I heard one of her songs the other day and, I swear, I thought it was billy ray. seriously.

she sounds just like him. supposedly, she's not his biological daughter, but I don't know about that.

(sigh) I miss my father.

first holiday

halloween was the first holiday without my father. for us halloween was just handing out candy to the kids who came by trick or treating (i know some places don't do that any more, but kids here still do). granted, last year, daddy mostly just sat on the couch while I handled candy distribution, but still.

I did hand out candy last night. I had to knock off early because i'm sick, but I made it through most of the festivities. we didn't have as many kids as usual (we usually have A LOT).

i'm not sure if people have caught on this neighborhood isn't the candy haven it used to be or if some people skipped me on purpose because, well... people know my father's funeral was earlier this month.

there is one happy thing: my super cute black bunny is officially one year older! i'm not sure how old he is... 3 or 4. bunnies always seem young, they're so cute. happy birthday, precious boy. :)