well, i missed it

i didn't see the degrassi finale because i was dealing from the after effects of stress from a visit from my brother. yes, that's my family. they can cause mayhem that easily. partly, because they don't really deal with me as a person. i am a problem my parents inflicted upon them.

everything about me has to be analyzed and judged in the most critical possible way. i can't just have personality traits different than them, but then they are baby boomers. that makes them right in their opinions and their opinions are the only ones that count. and their opinion is they do not want to deal with me. they want someone else to take care of me. unfortunately, someone else died. (btw, when i say "take care of me" i don't necessarily mean that literally... just deal with me in whatever way is needed which might be just talking to me now and then.)

anyway, i am pretty upset and this wasn't even a bad visit by my family's standards. they don't feel welcome here (trust, this is b.s., that would NOT stop them). well, every time they come here they yell and lecture and judge and criticize. why the fuck would i want them here. and they tell me over and over IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO!!!! like i don't know that. like that's not rude as fuck to barge into someone's house and scream at them because they put something in the kitchen closet that maybe could also be put in the bathroom closet.

now, because i don't want to throw away everything i own (because everything i own is stupid or crappy or what have you) then i'm a HOARDER. i fucking goddamned hate tlc and all asshole reality shows that have given my siblings more shit to bitch at me about. (btw, no, my house does not look like the hoarders' houses. but one sister is a neat freak and the others have relatives who clean their houses. so, they don't need to see that much clutter.)

my brother was piously talking about when he was young and owned no more than he could wear or carry. yeah, p.s. that was four fucking decades ago. and not even true. i guess he forgets i lived in my parents' house then (he didn't) and i know he still had stuff in his room. i doubt he thinks i can remember back that far because they know i have memory loss for part of my childhood. or they should know. but, it's later... and it's not as severe as it used to be.

they get together and decide how i am and that is how i am, no matter what i do or say or have done. and i know i act worse around them because i tend to respond too much to things i shouldn't. sometimes i do all right, but they know how to push my buttons. which i hate that and it makes me very upset with myself. i guess the memory loss hasn't helped me because for a long time, i did have to take their word for some things. now that i'm getting it back... it's not that they told me the wrong thing just they told me whatever was easiest at the moment to get their point across.

anyway, i think i have some kind of panic disorder or some shit since i like to have passed out after my brother superiored off to be awesome somewhere. i didn't really have any anti-anxiety medicine (which i probably should have such a thing, honestly). so, long story short... i missed my show because i was asleep. i woke up briefly to find that moron sav dressed as elvis and that didn't keep me awake.

here is a fucking photo of the last moments of the show:

all i know is no one died, but eli apparently pissed himself. i guess i can live without seeing that.

two more fucking things...

my rabbit jumped on my keyboard... after a lot of trying, i have been able to fix it. of course, i am VERY STRESSED OUT.

my sister confirmed she threw away the paper. this was a pad of paper i took to the hospital for daddy to try to write on. i didn't tell her this, but she probably wouldn't have believed me. she said all sorts of stuff like, "i guess i don't have any integrity because i threw away the paper." and "i'll try not to throw away any more paper!" when she was leaving.

this was after i was yelled at for about an hour straight because all roads always lead back to how i'm not doing things to suit anyone else and, if i would, i'd be able to "have a life". (this has been said to me from junior high school onward, and i will say, in between then and now, i have done a lot of different things... a lot of the time, they weren't paying attention when i told them what i was doing... since the paparazzi wasn't following me around, they assumed i was pathetic.)

but it's not the paper. well, it is the paper. but it's just why would someone come into another person's house and throw away something that wasn't trash? they're whole thing is IT'S OUR HOUSE, TOO!!!!!!!!! but, i actually live here and i have stuff i personally bought and i am currently using in this house. for someone to just decide, "oh i'll just throw that out." is INSANE. any time i disagree about anything.. be it something of daddy's they want to ditch or whatever else, the it's our house too gets yelled at me. (sigh) i fear even if i buy it that won't go away.

i am so stressed out. a thing a day has broken. i've heard IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO a million times even though no one gives a shit about it until it's time to burst in and ransack the place. but, i have to be so grateful.

i had one xanax left and i just took it. i'm sorry. i am in so much pain. i coughed for a really long time at the bank and then i got emotionally beaten down. then there's the fear that anything and everything could be in the trash. anything and everything they could decide they want. i just hate this so much. i hate it.

i got a huge lecture that if my brother ever does anything (hahahaa!!!!!) it has to be all ready for him to get to work "because he's a man." well, if he can't check the antifreeze on a car which was sitting in the driveway, i don't know what could be faster and easier than that, honestly. someone has to want to do something first.

right now, he's following some band around and that's all he cares about. the great thing about this is he got some flack from my sisters who felt that he was forcing himself on the band or something. they also called him a "groupie" pretending they didn't know the word for "roadie." he told me this was why he tried to avoid them growing up. that was pretty funny.

i just can't bring myself to hurt people like i have been hurt. i should get out my old "persuasion" textbook from my days of studying all things, but i can't bring myself to.. also, it's hard to do anything when no one pays any attention.

i'm sorry there's still no one to talk to and it's late. this is such a difficult time.... i even had to put my bunny back in my home because he was being just a little too crazy and i couldn't take it. (sigh)

my television has passed away...

i tried to watch tv today to soothe my nerves and i found that was impossible.

more family crap today. i got beaten down pretty badly. i am so sick of people talking at me. it's just so depressing. i feel so stupid. i think my one sister is lying to me... it makes me feel really bad. i have been told my father didn't want me to have the house because "in six months it wouldn't be worth anything." well, it's been six months.... and it has not yet fallen to the ground. i asked my sister to stop saying that and said he told me something else (he wanted me to have the house). why would she keep saying that to me?

i keep getting told "you had more opportunity than anyone" and that basically, i fucked up. well, i graduated from college. so, there was that. i have worked in jobs in my field that paid decently, but they were.. well, extremely stressful. except for going to college, i don't know what else i've had... i am sure they could give me a list of the ways i've fucked up and generally been a rotten as hell excuse for a human being. but, then they "love" me "dearly." i suppose that's why no one ever calls me or comes to see me without bitching me out the entire time they're here.

i hope my parents aren't seeing this mess....

good grief...

I called my sister and patched things up. I feel like I have been put through the wringer.

she is still p.o.ed I got this phone. TWO YEARS ago. it was kind of expensive, but it is the only thing I got in a three year period that was expensive. soo... and I have paid everything regarding it... no one else has ever paid anything to do with it.