two more fucking things...

my rabbit jumped on my keyboard... after a lot of trying, i have been able to fix it. of course, i am VERY STRESSED OUT.

my sister confirmed she threw away the paper. this was a pad of paper i took to the hospital for daddy to try to write on. i didn't tell her this, but she probably wouldn't have believed me. she said all sorts of stuff like, "i guess i don't have any integrity because i threw away the paper." and "i'll try not to throw away any more paper!" when she was leaving.

this was after i was yelled at for about an hour straight because all roads always lead back to how i'm not doing things to suit anyone else and, if i would, i'd be able to "have a life". (this has been said to me from junior high school onward, and i will say, in between then and now, i have done a lot of different things... a lot of the time, they weren't paying attention when i told them what i was doing... since the paparazzi wasn't following me around, they assumed i was pathetic.)

but it's not the paper. well, it is the paper. but it's just why would someone come into another person's house and throw away something that wasn't trash? they're whole thing is IT'S OUR HOUSE, TOO!!!!!!!!! but, i actually live here and i have stuff i personally bought and i am currently using in this house. for someone to just decide, "oh i'll just throw that out." is INSANE. any time i disagree about anything.. be it something of daddy's they want to ditch or whatever else, the it's our house too gets yelled at me. (sigh) i fear even if i buy it that won't go away.

i am so stressed out. a thing a day has broken. i've heard IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO a million times even though no one gives a shit about it until it's time to burst in and ransack the place. but, i have to be so grateful.

i had one xanax left and i just took it. i'm sorry. i am in so much pain. i coughed for a really long time at the bank and then i got emotionally beaten down. then there's the fear that anything and everything could be in the trash. anything and everything they could decide they want. i just hate this so much. i hate it.

i got a huge lecture that if my brother ever does anything (hahahaa!!!!!) it has to be all ready for him to get to work "because he's a man." well, if he can't check the antifreeze on a car which was sitting in the driveway, i don't know what could be faster and easier than that, honestly. someone has to want to do something first.

right now, he's following some band around and that's all he cares about. the great thing about this is he got some flack from my sisters who felt that he was forcing himself on the band or something. they also called him a "groupie" pretending they didn't know the word for "roadie." he told me this was why he tried to avoid them growing up. that was pretty funny.

i just can't bring myself to hurt people like i have been hurt. i should get out my old "persuasion" textbook from my days of studying all things, but i can't bring myself to.. also, it's hard to do anything when no one pays any attention.

i'm sorry there's still no one to talk to and it's late. this is such a difficult time.... i even had to put my bunny back in my home because he was being just a little too crazy and i couldn't take it. (sigh)

negative me

my sister was here yesterday and things were much better.

my brother was around thanksgiving and the day after and got all pissy and told me "there's a lot of negative noise coming off of you."

no one else was at all upset about anything I was saying. I was talking about buying a cd (investment vehicle). and I wanted other people's opinions.

not half listening this pissed him off and he decided I was ungrateful and stomped out. he couldn't even stay for dinner which was about 30 seconds from being served.

the day before that, I got lectured on praying my pain away and if i'd just believe in the LORD all would be perfect. this is basically saying to me my parents weren't good enough to live or I didn't pray for them hard enough and I am not wanting to hear that.

be a little grateful. break my heart.

life sucks

my sister and brother were here today. I have two sisters and one brother. I am way younger than them. we aren't even of the same generation. they are baby boomers and I AM NOT.

my sisters cannot fucking enter a house I live in or see me without fucking insulting me. I am so sick of it. I have bit my tongue all these years because of so many reasons. they don't even fucking have a clue. they don't get how much I have tried to be nice. all I fucking want is for my own goddam family not to hate me and insult me and yell at me and make me feel like if I would just kill my loser ass self thee whole goddam world would be better.

they say they love me, but then they do this shit. I try so hard to be nice and it blows up in my face and then it gets to be my fault and it's all hedgehog dilemma because I do get bitchy and defensive.

to be fair, sometimes they do nice things but never, never, never can it just be that. never can I feel like I deserve anyone to give a fucking shit about me. it's always got some guilt attached.

we had to go through some of daddy's stuff. so as if that wasn't fucking bad enough.

then my sister is all "call (other sister) and tell her how mean I am and it will all be o.k." now they talk to each other EVERY FUCKING DAY and I know for a fact I am a huge subject of discussion. I talk to them about every two weeks. I am getting chewed out about half the timen but yes, they run back and forth and tattle even when I BARELY say anything.

I fucking hate this. I hate it.

I had a dream after I was finally left in peace where my sister was being a total bitch and I was trying to find something she would like and I was breaking things and crying trying to do this (this is a dream not real life). then she called me crazy and I don't remember except I started crying that I wanted to die and daddy was tell me "no! you can't do that" (i guess I was going to kill myself in the dream, I don't remember having anything that could do that, but it's a dream, so who knows).

then my other sister made us all go to the fucking bank without the key to the safety deposit box. no one would fucking listen to me that we needed it and my other sister took both keys (the bank wouldn't let me into it if I had 12 keys anyway). OF COURSE, the teller told them the same thing.

oh, but that was o.k. "now we know." if I had done that it would have been because I am crazy and because I "can't do the simplest things" and "can't manage money." doesn't every damn body know you need a fucking key to get into what daddy always called "the lock box."

there was a fucking thing about mortgages there and I joked about buying a house "with confidence." and I got a lecture like I really was going to suddenly out of goddam nowhere buy a fucking house. I mean wth? my sister was barging around the bank and my brother said "patience is a virtue" so I said "you can buy a home with confidence" (and pointed at the sign). wth? it's just a fucking joke. one of the goddam sample house payments is $1000/month. I KNOW I don't have that. years ago, when I had a good job, I considered buying a condo (i lived in a city then) and I couldn't even really afford that THEN. I haven't seriously considered buying property since. unless they mean THIS house which, yeah, it'd be great to own it, I guess. and, in theory, I only have to buy 3/4ths on it because I am part owner... but...

I don't feel like it's mine. I haven't since I was a little bitty girl and lived here with just mama and daddy. but I didn't know any better back then.

the other day, my sister (not the one who was here today) wanted to throw away a PIECE OF PAPER and I didn't want her to (it was something of daddy's) and she actually yelled at me "it's MY HOUSE TOO!!" wth? wth? it's not 12 goddam pink flamingos on the year it's a PIECE OF PAPER!!! AND I AM THE ONLY ONE LIVING HERE AND SEEING IT.

then she went thru the desk and threw out "junk mail" (her bitchy ass opinion) one item was the current schwan's book so I don't know wth else went out the door on her whim. it's long gone now.

I have finally hid one item that belonged to me that she picked up and pawed through every time she came here. I had put one thing in my father's room and my sister said "gross, what's THAT?" it was just some lip balm. but I said that because, for some reason, they think i've moved a million things into daddy's room. why would I do that? i'm not retarded. I know we have to go through everything.

she seemed to sort of randomly getting rid of stuff, so who knows what else is gone. it's too late now.

she grabbed some socks and was bitching they were "all balled up" well, they didn't used to be, but every time someone comes here they claw through daddy's stuff and I got sick of fixing it afterward. especially after daddy died. some of the socks were old and worn, but there were also new ones mixed in. they were all just either navy or black because duh, they belong to a man.

anyway, I guess if you have kids unless all you have is stuff easily divisible (like money) or you just have one kid.... don't do the whole "divide everything between my children" will. it stinks because there's only one way to divide somethings.

and we get along to a degree because it's not like my father was extrmely rich, so... but I think they found out from the insurance company that it's cheaper to insure and occupied house than an empty one, so for now I have a place to live. maybe for longer. I really don't know. daddy wanted me to be able to live here as long as I needed to, but... it's not like he's here to yell at all of us to behave ourselves.

sorry about this... but I haven't given any family members my url and they don't know I am shampoo.