well, i missed it

i didn't see the degrassi finale because i was dealing from the after effects of stress from a visit from my brother. yes, that's my family. they can cause mayhem that easily. partly, because they don't really deal with me as a person. i am a problem my parents inflicted upon them.

everything about me has to be analyzed and judged in the most critical possible way. i can't just have personality traits different than them, but then they are baby boomers. that makes them right in their opinions and their opinions are the only ones that count. and their opinion is they do not want to deal with me. they want someone else to take care of me. unfortunately, someone else died. (btw, when i say "take care of me" i don't necessarily mean that literally... just deal with me in whatever way is needed which might be just talking to me now and then.)

anyway, i am pretty upset and this wasn't even a bad visit by my family's standards. they don't feel welcome here (trust, this is b.s., that would NOT stop them). well, every time they come here they yell and lecture and judge and criticize. why the fuck would i want them here. and they tell me over and over IT'S OUR HOUSE TOO!!!! like i don't know that. like that's not rude as fuck to barge into someone's house and scream at them because they put something in the kitchen closet that maybe could also be put in the bathroom closet.

now, because i don't want to throw away everything i own (because everything i own is stupid or crappy or what have you) then i'm a HOARDER. i fucking goddamned hate tlc and all asshole reality shows that have given my siblings more shit to bitch at me about. (btw, no, my house does not look like the hoarders' houses. but one sister is a neat freak and the others have relatives who clean their houses. so, they don't need to see that much clutter.)

my brother was piously talking about when he was young and owned no more than he could wear or carry. yeah, p.s. that was four fucking decades ago. and not even true. i guess he forgets i lived in my parents' house then (he didn't) and i know he still had stuff in his room. i doubt he thinks i can remember back that far because they know i have memory loss for part of my childhood. or they should know. but, it's later... and it's not as severe as it used to be.

they get together and decide how i am and that is how i am, no matter what i do or say or have done. and i know i act worse around them because i tend to respond too much to things i shouldn't. sometimes i do all right, but they know how to push my buttons. which i hate that and it makes me very upset with myself. i guess the memory loss hasn't helped me because for a long time, i did have to take their word for some things. now that i'm getting it back... it's not that they told me the wrong thing just they told me whatever was easiest at the moment to get their point across.

anyway, i think i have some kind of panic disorder or some shit since i like to have passed out after my brother superiored off to be awesome somewhere. i didn't really have any anti-anxiety medicine (which i probably should have such a thing, honestly). so, long story short... i missed my show because i was asleep. i woke up briefly to find that moron sav dressed as elvis and that didn't keep me awake.

here is a fucking photo of the last moments of the show:

all i know is no one died, but eli apparently pissed himself. i guess i can live without seeing that.

real life right now, frustration and grief and a sore throat

we are trying to close on the estate. i am sick as heck.

as if that wasn't stressful and awful enough, every one of my siblings were here today. my brother strolled in dragging a slice of pizza around like it was totally fine to eat it in the living room not on a plate on anything else. like he couldn't have done that in his fucking car or while he was hanging out with his buddies for seven hours.

all this time, i was in the house with my sisters who any second my back was turned would throw away, prowl through, or move something. i had some BLANK PAPER sitting on the bookcase in the hall. i told them both i wanted to keep it. well, it's GONE NOW. then, they both were wearing these stupid gloves and my one sister HAD TO TOUCH everything in the house. even stuff that was clean she had to take it out and put those nasty ass dirty gloves all over it.

then, she INSISTED on taking my mother's polaroid camera down and opening it up and then dropping it on the floor. i told her not to do it. she thought there might be film in it. that damn camera has sat in the closet since 1975, i doubt there's any fucking film in there. and there wasn't. instead of holding it over the bed, she had on those gloves and was holding it between her knees they thought it was hilarious that she dropped it. if i'd dropped it, i would have owed them money right on the fucking spot. and yes, of course, she brokei it.

then i do have stuff around here because i fucking live here. every damn thing had to be inspected. "that's mine, put it back. that's mine, put it back. ARGH!" but, she still insisted on opening it and reading it. there were random people between us so i couldn't snatch it away. TRUST ME, i would be in so much trouble if i did that shit.

but the paper, a little tablet of paper sitting on the bookcase bugs me. why in the world would they throw that away after i told them both i wanted to keep it? i know my stupid brother didn't take it. but, why would anyone throw something like that away? it wasn't dirty or anything. it wasn't old. it was just sitting there. but, they want to get rid of everything. they insisted on being on opposite ends of the house and i had to run back and forth between them. so, there's no telling what else of mine is gone. and they wonder why stuff like this makes me a nervous wreck.

they come in immediately telling me to move stuff. and i am like "well, it goes here." and my sister is all "this will be like pulling teeth." who cares where i keep stuff? who fucking cares? i just do not get it. in this case, we were talking about one little bitty key.

but, my one sister when she starts filling up trash bags, she wants to take everything in the house (that she doesn't want for herself or her son or her son's wife) and throw it out. so far, her son has gotten a car, a picture of my father's military unit, and probably will get a picture of MY GREAT GRANDPARENTS because "they like antiques." well, so do i. but, many of the antiques from here have disappeared.

i have tried to write some non-personal articles, but i am so stressed out over this garbage that i can't stand it. it is so tiresome. any little thing that i want has to be a huge ass debate. even if I BOUGHT IT we have to come around to should i even keep it or "free myself" from having so many possessions. and yes, it was "two against one!" a few times. well, isn't it fucking ALWAYS two against one?

they think because i tend to be disorganized that i don't know what i have or where anything is or that anything goes. well, that's not true. but none of them really know that. still, when i go to a house someone with a fever tried to vacuum that same day (or any house really) i don't go in barging around pitching a fit about getting rid of everything and dragging every dusty thing i can find all over the place.

i also don't stroll around eating a pizza. my sister would literally kill anyone who brought pizza into her living room. i don't care if you had the largest plate known to mankind underneath it. but, it was fine that my brother did that. then, she asked him to take something outside for me and he got smarty pants and i wound up doing it. he started bitching, but i reminded him that I didn't ask him to do it. because i basically don't ask him to do ANYTHING.

and they've been talking together about me and everything else like they do (and they wonder why i tell them i feel left out and unequal). they planned all this, especially my no-show brother. he has become interested in some local band of all damned things in the world.

but, they never come up here just to visit or anything. it's always an agenda of some sort. i try to be nice and i am pititfully glad that if my family pays any attention to me since they are the only family i have. but they all have kids and stuff, so they are somewhat better i guess. there might be some families that can make the whole thing work where they have three much older kids and one younger kid.. but we can't. maybe because mama died... i don't know... my father was kind of in denial about the reality of the situation.

my brother made some remarks about his lawnmower today (i don't have one, daddy sold the one we had) and i thought for a brief instant that he was going to mow the yard. then, i realized i was delirious and that was NOT GOING to be happening. he claimed daddy "didn't like" how he did it and that's why he didn't mow the yard for daddy. well, i think daddy "didn't like" the fact that the yard only one get mowed about once per year if it was up to my brother and, in reality, it has to be mowed about once a week.

my brother's son came up here one day, daddy said and made several trips to town (which i do not doubt and i now know why that'd be) while he was here. i don't know if he even got the yard mowed. my father was not a patient man. if you were supposed to be mowing the yard, you'd best be doing it and not wandering around in town meeting up with this one and that one. anyway, i think my brother wants me to HIRE him to mow the yard. hahaaahaha. i hope it does not come to that.

my father's will is basically one paragraph long. it's better than nothing, but he told my sister he thought we could "share and share alike." well, the problem with that is everyone has to want to be fair. hope springs eternal, but i am an absolute nervous wreck. sorry to bitch so much... i just have to tell someone.. i don't know what to do and i may have to go through more of the same tomorrow.

on top of everything, the TOILET stopped up today. so, it was the PERFECT DAY to have four extra people here. AARGH!! my sister called when i was leaving to get a plunger and she wanted me to try some nonsense with hot water. i told her that i was just going to get the plunger (this took 20 minutes to go through over and over). although, she wound up having the unclog it because i couldn't. then my other sister re-clogged it. that toilet has really, really had a workout today.

and i have to add here that the problem with these stupid gloves people want to wear, they pick up every nasty thing in the world. but their hands feel clean and they just keep obsessively touching stuff. it drove me crazy. i feel like every single thing in the house has to be crammed into the washing machine now. and i REALLY feel up to that.

i think things got out of hand when i had to come in here and sit down. my one sister had a diabetic fit, but i fed her. so, they went from having to go eat to staying FOREVER longer. i think they were waiting for my brother who they wanted to just make sure got his precious stuff. my sister insisted i give him half the sheets we own for some unknown reason. i am sure they will get thrown in the trash. well, after she handled the crap out of them with those nasty ass gloves beause, the gloves cost like 30 cents a pair, so you wouldn't want to change! they had a huge box of them... i mean, you could literally see the dirty on the gloves because they were just finding the nastiest stuff to get into.

and it turns out there is black mold in the semi-finished spare room. people should never build stuff onto their houses if their spouse dies. my father built that stupid carport in because he and mama had talked about it. mind you, my father was able to do the work himself so this should have been a cost efficient project.

but, it has been one thing after another with that room. some stupid fool my friend invited to the only party i ever got to have threw buttered popcorn (and it was A LOT of popcorn) all over the room (when i had to leave for a minute). he was such a fucking asshole. i didn't even know him.

then there were the termites. then this and that and the other thing and now... black mold. more work and money (proportionally to the usefulness of the room) has gone into that stupid thing. it was actually finished at one time, but it's had to be torn out and redone a few times... all it's really any good for at this point is giving the dryer a place to live.

i actually have a list of problems with the house (that was why i wanted the paper i was bitching about two hours ago). haha

i doubt anyone will actually read this. but, if you did. thank you... you're the best. :)